The Forum Poster:

Appearance: Pasty, overweight late teens/early 20s male with glasses, buck teeth, and a nasal, snorting laugh.

Weapons: Keyboard (primary; melee weapon), E-Peen (secondary, melee weapon), Bag of Cheetos (tertiary, melee weapon)

Attacks: Wields keyboard while ranting incoherently about balance. Wields E-Peen while ranting incoherently about noobs. Wields Bag of Cheetos while shoving handfuls into his gob.

Abilities: Stupidity (immune to reason), Denial (immune to anything he doesn't like), Breed Like Bunnies (no respawn timer)

Weaknesses: the Forum Poster's fragile ego makes him extremely weak. He'll usually go down with a barrage of harsh words, let alone a hail of bullets. However, don't forget that Forum Posters Breed Like Bunnies. Also, all of their attacks are melee attacks, but they'll do their best to beat you senseless with their incessant whining.

The Ugly Fat Girl

Characteristics: Ugly Fat Girl

Weapons: Bad Breath